I decided to boycott St. Patrick's Day. Here's why.

1) It has a horrible name. Saint Patrick, that's about the biggest oxymoron ever. Some of you know why, some of you don't, but it's just a bad name all around. Ugh. That's about all I'm saying on the matter here.

2) It freaks me out. When I was a little kid, they would put green dye in the toilets at school and we would take a field trip (of sorts) to the bathroom, where the teacher would yell, "OH! THERE GOES A LEPRACHAUN!!" And then would point to the green pee water as proof. I spent many, many years being freaked out of leprachauns in the bathroom. That is, until I moved to Africa and someone said that snakes could come up the toilet drain. Suddenly, leprachauns weren't so bad. (I still check for snakes.)

3) I forgot about it today. Why? Because it's a pretty useless holiday. I didn't even think to wear green. (And nobody pinched me, take THAT.) I didn't even know it was coming. I wasn't even aware that it hadn't already happened. Something named "St. Patrick's Day" just doesn't deserve to be on my radar, I'm sorry. Except not really.

4) Because. Yup, just because. Four reasons are better than three, or so they say.

No, they don't really.

It's a metaphor.

But it actually happened, though.

Well... it's time to separate the wheat from the chaff, the men from the boys, the awkwardly feminine from the possibly Canadian. Good night, all.


...by the way, does anyone know where my Dodgeball DVD went??